Uh, huh…yes dear…that’s nice…mmm-hmm. Are you really listening?
One of the greatest skills you can develop to build, and maintain, a healthy, loving relationship is to have good communication skills.
No matter what type of relationship you are in, the surest way to improve it, make it stronger and more connected is to have good communication skills.
Here are some ideas that will help you (or that certain someone:) to develop the skills needed for GREAT communication.
What are basic communication styles?
In a nutshell:
Men communicate to understand and to solve problems. Communication is used to get to the bottom line.
Women communicate to discover how they feel and what it is she is trying to say.
Communication is used to share and create intimacy.
See a problem here? On one side the partner is saying, “What’s the issue let’s fix it” on the other side the partner is saying “I’m not even sure there IS an issue, I just want to share my feelings”.
Wow!
With such different listening styles how can men and women EVER communicate? One said is saying “get to the point, let me fix it” the other side is saying “I don’t know what the point is yet, let’s find it”.
Neither side is right or wrong…it’s just how we are. It’s what makes us…us.
Studies have shown that we are actually “hard-wired” this way.[i]
NEWSFLASH!! Men and women are different!
Let’s find out how we can learn to understand and build a stronger relationship through better communication.
How can we communicate better?
Men: Just listen. Don’t fix. Don’t find fault. Don’t interrupt. LISTEN.
Actively listen, hear your partner out, ask questions, let your partner talk. Men are conditioned to listen actively, so as he is listening he is thinking “what can I do to help?” Men, don't fall into the trap of trying to "fix" the issue!
Guys, believe it or not, many times just LISTENING to her will be enough! You don’t even have to fix or find the solution to something just LISTEN…but truly listen. We’ll cover that later also.
Women: LISTEN.
Most of the time men have already sorted out what they want to say, and have come up with a solution, or plan of action. Men will more than likely discuss the salient points, and not expound upon all the nuances of a particular subject.
Men are looking for validation and appreciation.
Focus on what is being said, you’ll find out what is important to him, validate and appreciate, and you’ll get him to open up.
You’ll both notice that LISTEN has been capitalized.
Know why? It’s because both sexes have a horrible time LISTENING.
Learn to listen and you’ll make be a hero! Be sure to read the listen paragraph.
Don’t criticize
Nothing will shut down real communication faster than criticizing…or a car wreck, but we’re guessing car wrecks aren’t a common occurrence in your relationship! So we’ll focus on learning to not criticize.
Don’t criticize. Don’t try to find fault, be loving, kind and understanding. We ALL make mistakes, come up with crazy ideas, or just flat out screw up. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and remember that there will be a time when YOU need some understanding.
Has criticizing EVER worked? When the dinner was burnt, when you came home late, when the car got dinged or the bill was paid late, did criticizing the other person ever help matters? What if, instead, you held your anger or frustration and sought to understand and see how you could help the situation. Don’t you think that would have been a better approach?
Wouldn’t YOU like that approach when the mistake is yours?
Criticizing will kill a conversation.
LISTEN
Don’t just “hear” what your partner is saying, LISTEN to WHAT they are saying.
We HEAR the neighbors dog barking we LISTEN to what our loved ones say.
From the Merriam-Webster Dictionary: lis·ten
verb \ˈli-sən\
: to pay attention to someone or something in order to hear what is being said, sung, played, etc.
—used to tell a person to listen to what you are saying
: to hear what someone has said and understand that it is serious, important, or true
Listen is a verb, an action word, it means to “pay attention” to “understand that (what the other person has said) is serious, important, or true.”
We need to actively listen to our partner, show interest, don’t interrupt.
Ask questions for clarification or to encourage them.
Real listening shows love, consideration, and will build a stronger relationship. By paying true attention not only what our partner is saying but how and why it’s being said is a gift to them, from you.
Listening shows that you care enough for them, to stop what you’re doing, put yourself and your thoughts aside and focus on them. This is a big deal for men and a HUGE deal for women.
This reminds me of a great quote by Zig Ziglar “If you help enough people (your partner) get what they want (listened too) you’ll get what you want”. “What you want” is at times different for men and women…but if you will realize how powerful listening and great communication are, you will gladly work to develop amazing communication skills.
Trust me, being a great listener and a good communicator pays off…BIG.
“TOP SECRET” words and tips to use.
Men: Show interest in her. Validate her feelings, don’t tell her she’s getting emotional, that what she is saying, or what she thinks is silly, or that her concerns aren’t real. Remember, women come from a more emotional state than men.
Women bond by talking and sharing their feelings.
Listen, let them talk. Ask questions, show concern, show interest.
Use these words “Is this something you would like to talk to me about, or something you would like to help you with?” This will tell you where she is coming from. She just may want to talk about it and have you ask questions, listen, commiserate, and show interest. OR she may really want help with a solution.
Either way, you will know your role in the discussion.
Women: Validate their ideas/thoughts. He wants to know he’s doing a good job, he wants YOUR approval, appreciation and respect. If you have an idea, phrase it “What do you think about…” and not “You should do….”.
Resist telling him what to do. (Secret: find a way for YOUR idea to be HIS idea) Remember, the most important thing to a man is the feeling that he is providing for you, protecting you, doing a good job for you. Find ways to help him feel that way.
Bottom line…
We all want that deep loving relationship. It begins, and sometimes ends, with communication.
Good communication will build a healthy, strong enviable relationship.
Poor communication will destroy a relationship.
If couples could understand the importance of communication it would do so much.
Both men and women desire to be listened to and to have meaningful important communication with their loved one.
Work at this skill, because it is a skill, and we can always improve. Make it a priority.
Go build a stronger relationship.
[i] http://www.mastersofhealthcare.com/blog/2009/10-big-differences-between-mens-and-womens-brains
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